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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Weird Girl You Drunkenly Fooled Around With Waiting Outside Door

BLOOMINGTON, IN—A mere six hours after you got drunk and made out with her at your eighth-floor party, that weird girl you may have incoherently professed love for is standing outside your dorm room door. According to your new roommate looking out the peephole, the girl—whose name remains unknown—is currently scrawling a message on your dry-erase board and smiling. "Dude, you are so fucked," said your roommate, who proceeded to fill in your somewhat-hazy recollection of what the girl, who may be stalking you, looks like. At press time, it is unclear when she will clear the hallway and allow you to leave for your Psych 201 class.

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