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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Weird Girl You Drunkenly Fooled Around With Waiting Outside Door

BLOOMINGTON, IN—A mere six hours after you got drunk and made out with her at your eighth-floor party, that weird girl you may have incoherently professed love for is standing outside your dorm room door. According to your new roommate looking out the peephole, the girl—whose name remains unknown—is currently scrawling a message on your dry-erase board and smiling. "Dude, you are so fucked," said your roommate, who proceeded to fill in your somewhat-hazy recollection of what the girl, who may be stalking you, looks like. At press time, it is unclear when she will clear the hallway and allow you to leave for your Psych 201 class.

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