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Weird Girl You Drunkenly Fooled Around With Waiting Outside Door

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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Weird Girl You Drunkenly Fooled Around With Waiting Outside Door

BLOOMINGTON, IN—A mere six hours after you got drunk and made out with her at your eighth-floor party, that weird girl you may have incoherently professed love for is standing outside your dorm room door. According to your new roommate looking out the peephole, the girl—whose name remains unknown—is currently scrawling a message on your dry-erase board and smiling. "Dude, you are so fucked," said your roommate, who proceeded to fill in your somewhat-hazy recollection of what the girl, who may be stalking you, looks like. At press time, it is unclear when she will clear the hallway and allow you to leave for your Psych 201 class.

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