Weird Kid Shines During Dissection Project

In This Section

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Tips For Choosing A Good Babysitter

More mothers and fathers today are working full-time while raising kids, which means parents are increasingly turning to babysitters and nannies to care for their children at home.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Weird Kid Shines During Dissection Project

PONCA CITY, OK—Weird Ponca City High School freshman Sam Hollis, 14, briefly transcended his lifelong streak of social awkwardness Wednesday, surprising his classmates and teacher when he deftly dissected a frog during his second-period biology lab.

Displaying a never-before-witnessed confidence and poise, Hollis effortlessly handled a surgical scalpel and a pair of forceps. After making a clean lengthwise incision in the preserved frog's abdomen, he used the forceps to skillfully pull aside the layers of skin and muscle.

Sam Hollis, who is small for his age, takes a moment to reflect on the only instance of easy social interaction in his 14 years of life.

Hollis reportedly completed the opening of the body cavity in less than one minute, which drew the attention of nearby pairs of students still arguing over who would have to touch their frog and gagging from the stench of formaldehyde.

"At first I thought he was going to be all weird and start to cry or something," said Hollis' assigned lab partner Ricky Malnight, who before knew Hollis only as "that dork who never talks and has dandruff." "But he just picked up the scalpel and dove right in. He didn't even look at the workbook or anything. It was pretty awesome because all I had to do was sit there while he did everything."

Hollis appeared so in his element, Malnight said, that for the rest of the class period he almost forgot the scrawny teen's faintly musty odor, perennially crooked glasses, and widely agreed-upon "gross" status.

As students craned their necks to watch him assuredly navigate the frog's abdominal cavity, Hollis capitalized on his fleeting peer acceptance by identifying the functions of all seven major organs. He even showed his classmates how to cut out the gall bladder without damaging the liver, a skill which earned many extra credit on the project.

"Steve [Sam] was a big help, "Natalie Kranz, President, Student Council

Hollis also blazed a trail in stomach cutting, the most dreaded part of the project, in which students examined the semi- digested remains of the euthanized frogs' last meals.

"That weird science kid totally knew what he was doing," fellow biology student Mike Warner said. "He's still a loser, but it was pretty cool when he showed us where the frog's balls were."

Added Warner: "Courtney Olsen screamed like crazy when I pretended to throw mine at her."

By the end of class, the weird teen had managed to speak to six different classmates for a combined 17 minutes of flop sweat–free conversation.

"My mom's French, so I've actually eaten frog legs before," Hollis said. Miraculously, his comment failed to gross out or otherwise repel the majority of students.

Hollis then began moving the dissected frog's mouth, making the lifeless creature plead not to be eaten, which earned Hollis a few halfhearted chuckles from nearby classmates for the first time in his life.

Perhaps the most surprising event came when student council president Natalie Kranz asked Hollis where the elusive spleen was located. The resulting 30-second exchange with the most popular girl in school marked the longest period of communication with a female peer in Hollis' life, as well as the only known occurrence of direct eye contact.

"Yeah, Steve [Sam] was a big help," Kranz said regarding the event Hollis will replay over and over in his mind for the next several years. "I really need good grades in this class or my parents aren't going to let me go to prom with Josh [Mueller]."

According to those who have sort of known Hollis since elementary school, the classroom dissection was by far his most successful foray into normal social interactions. Past failed attempts include breaking his collarbone in third grade during a game of tag, and a poorly attended Battlestar Galactica–themed birthday party.

Hollis, however, seemed optimistic about the possibilities of entering a new phase in his social life.

"I really wish we were working on fetal pigs," said Hollis after turning in his tray and scalpel and offering to stay after class to gather and dispose of the gutted frogs. "It would be really interesting to cut open one of their hearts, because they're pretty similar to the human heart in a lot of ways."

"[Hollis] said that?" Malnight asked upon hearing of his lab partner's continued interest in animal dissection. "What a fucking freak."

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More