Weird-Looking Guy Somehow Manages To Look Normal In Facebook Profile Picture

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Vol 49 Issue 30

Tall Women At Higher Risk For Cancer

According to a new study, tall postmenopausal women are more likely to develop cancer than shorter women, with researchers finding that every 4-inch increase in height correlated to a 13 percent higher risk of a variety of cancers.

Lincoln Memorial Vandalized With Green Paint

Police closed the Lincoln Memorial early today after discovering that vandals had splattered green paint along the base of the iconic statue of 16th president Abraham Lincoln, as well as on the monument’s marble floor.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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Weird-Looking Guy Somehow Manages To Look Normal In Facebook Profile Picture

NEWTON, MA—Despite exhibiting what numerous acquaintances have described as a distinctly odd appearance, local man Daniel Hobson has somehow managed to look relatively normal in his Facebook profile picture, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Dan’s definitely a weird-looking dude, but one look at his profile and you’d actually think he was halfway, you know, not weird-looking,” said coworker Carrie Wyatt, noting that the angle and lighting of Hobson’s photograph have effectively negated the most bizarre of his telltale physical characteristics, including his bulging forehead, perpetually chapped lips, and prominent overbite. “When you see him in person, it can actually be pretty unsettling. But here he’s positioned in such a way that he looks like a perfectly normal, fully functioning human being. You can barely even tell he has a lazy eye.” At press time, after having scanned the rest of Hobson’s photos on the social media website, Wyatt had noticed that Hobson has adopted an identical pose for nearly every picture he has allowed to have been taken of him.

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