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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Weird Man Begins Every Morning By Dousing His Naked Body In Water

NEW YORK—In what sources confirmed Tuesday was an absolutely bizarre and puzzling routine, area eccentric Robert Szypko reportedly spends each morning stripping entirely naked, stepping into a porcelain tub, and then dousing his body in warm water for up to 10 minutes straight. After inexplicably drenching his nude form in gallons of water, the New York–area oddball then reportedly smears chemicals of various colors and consistencies all over his genitals, underarms, and hair in a progressively more mystifying display that culminates with himself covered in a thick layer of white foam. Numerous reports found that the strangest aspect of Szypko’s behavior, by some measure, was his insistence on letting this coating of white foam wash away, stepping out of the tub, and then vigorously wiping a section of absorbent fabric all over his body—still naked, readers are reminded. Szypko reportedly concludes his utterly baffling morning custom by returning to the room where he sleeps to drape pieces of colored cloth over every segment of his body except for his face and hands, which he insists, bizarrely, remain naked.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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