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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Weird Man Begins Every Morning By Dousing His Naked Body In Water

NEW YORK—In what sources confirmed Tuesday was an absolutely bizarre and puzzling routine, area eccentric Robert Szypko reportedly spends each morning stripping entirely naked, stepping into a porcelain tub, and then dousing his body in warm water for up to 10 minutes straight. After inexplicably drenching his nude form in gallons of water, the New York–area oddball then reportedly smears chemicals of various colors and consistencies all over his genitals, underarms, and hair in a progressively more mystifying display that culminates with himself covered in a thick layer of white foam. Numerous reports found that the strangest aspect of Szypko’s behavior, by some measure, was his insistence on letting this coating of white foam wash away, stepping out of the tub, and then vigorously wiping a section of absorbent fabric all over his body—still naked, readers are reminded. Szypko reportedly concludes his utterly baffling morning custom by returning to the room where he sleeps to drape pieces of colored cloth over every segment of his body except for his face and hands, which he insists, bizarrely, remain naked.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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