After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Weird New Cereal Sets Tone For First Weekend At Divorced Dad’s

APPLETON, WI—Saying that the unfamiliar brand was different from what he was used to, local preteen Nicholas Fischer told reporters Monday that eating a strange new breakfast cereal had really set the tone for the first weekend at his recently divorced father’s apartment. “The Raisin Bran Crunch wasn’t bad, but it’s just not what I normally have,” said Fischer, 12, adding that the presence of whole milk instead of 2 percent milk was another indication of how unusual the next 48 hours would be. “Dad has a different cable package now too, so all the channels were weird. And he had a bar of Irish Spring instead of the liquid stuff we have at home. I mean, it’s okay. It’s just that everything’s a little bit off.” At press time, Fischer was back at his father’s apartment and looking for a dishwasher out of habit.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.