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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Weird Porno Stops At Kissing

PASADENA, CA—A local 46-year-old man expressed confusion and disappointment Wednesday after watching what he described as a “really weird” pornographic movie that featured no nudity of any kind and contained only a few brief kissing scenes that never once led to a sexual act. “It’s about this all-American girl-next-door type and her fascination with a sleazy, gray-haired guy, which is usually the kind of thing I’m into, but it turned out to be the strangest porn I’ve ever seen,” said surprised viewer Peter Lindy, explaining that the feature-length 1999 film was based entirely around whether the lead male and female characters will get together in the end, and though they eventually do, “you never see anything close to full penetration.” “I just thought with all the tension between those two, it would turn into a huge fuck-fest, but instead they just make out. At one point, Maggie and Ike exchange a really hot kiss at this wedding rehearsal, and you think someone’s going to step in and Eiffel Tower her or something, but it never happens.” Though perplexed by the film, Lindy confirmed that the final wedding scene was “still pretty hot,” so he was able to get off anyway.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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