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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other. “Susan’s on another level—she could look at anyone in the room, say who they were, and trace them back to Grandpa Gene [Webb] just like that. She was telling me that Bill is my second cousin’s husband, but I don’t even know who she was talking about,” said reunion attendee Shelly Webb, confirming that her bizarre relative’s encyclopedic knowledge of the Webb family tree went back at least four generations and even included the rarely-heard-from “Anderson branch” that moved to Nebraska in 1996. “The strangest part was when I overheard her explaining to someone else who I was, where I live, and what I do for work, which is crazy because I don’t think I’d met either of them before today.” At press time, sources confirmed that Amos was tearing up while describing the wedding of some nephew nobody had ever heard of named Rick.

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