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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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‘We’ll Be Moving Shortly,’ Says Train Conductor Waiting For Workers To Remove Dead Body From Tracks

NEW YORK—As three maintenance workers lugged the corpse of an unidentified man off the tracks ahead, Brooklyn-bound C train operator Martin Carter assured passengers they would be moving shortly. “Sorry folks, we’re experiencing a brief technical delay,” the 16-year MTA veteran told passengers as a man’s lifeless, nearly severed body was dragged out of the way of trains ahead, leaving a trail of blood and brain matter in it its wake. “We apologize for the wait. Should be cleared momentarily.” At press time, the train’s occupants were cursing the six-minute delay.

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