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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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‘We’ll Be Moving Shortly,’ Says Train Conductor Waiting For Workers To Remove Dead Body From Tracks

NEW YORK—As three maintenance workers lugged the corpse of an unidentified man off the tracks ahead, Brooklyn-bound C train operator Martin Carter assured passengers they would be moving shortly. “Sorry folks, we’re experiencing a brief technical delay,” the 16-year MTA veteran told passengers as a man’s lifeless, nearly severed body was dragged out of the way of trains ahead, leaving a trail of blood and brain matter in it its wake. “We apologize for the wait. Should be cleared momentarily.” At press time, the train’s occupants were cursing the six-minute delay.

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