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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Well, Doesn't Area Businessman Look Dapper For His Big Flight To Philadelphia

MINNEAPOLIS—According to sources, well, well, well, doesn’t this local businessman look very dapper indeed in his fancy little suit and shiny shoes as he heads to his big businessman flight to Philadelphia. Mr. Executive himself, who sources confirmed looked like a real mover and shaker in his snazzy cufflinks and neatly combed hair, is almost certainly going to a very important place to make a very important business deal because he’s reportedly such a very important and impressive person. Perhaps, numerous witnesses speculated, the fancy businessman will be met at baggage claim in Philadelphia by a man in a chauffeur’s cap who will be holding—my, my, sources added—a little piece of paper with the businessman’s name on it! At press time, the very, very special little deal-making business person was reportedly unlocking his combination briefcase and reading some oh-so-important business papers with a very serious, concentrating face because he’s such a big success.

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