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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Well, Doesn't Area Businessman Look Dapper For His Big Flight To Philadelphia

MINNEAPOLIS—According to sources, well, well, well, doesn’t this local businessman look very dapper indeed in his fancy little suit and shiny shoes as he heads to his big businessman flight to Philadelphia. Mr. Executive himself, who sources confirmed looked like a real mover and shaker in his snazzy cufflinks and neatly combed hair, is almost certainly going to a very important place to make a very important business deal because he’s reportedly such a very important and impressive person. Perhaps, numerous witnesses speculated, the fancy businessman will be met at baggage claim in Philadelphia by a man in a chauffeur’s cap who will be holding—my, my, sources added—a little piece of paper with the businessman’s name on it! At press time, the very, very special little deal-making business person was reportedly unlocking his combination briefcase and reading some oh-so-important business papers with a very serious, concentrating face because he’s such a big success.

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