adBlockCheck

‘Well, Here’s What Won’t Pass,’ Obama Says Before Listing 35 Proposals

Top Headlines

Politics

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

‘Well, Here’s What Won’t Pass,’ Obama Says Before Listing 35 Proposals

WASHINGTON—Providing Americans with an honest preview of his agenda for 2015, President Obama delivered a brief State of the Union address Tuesday night, which consisted solely of him listing off 35 initiatives that he acknowledged will never be approved by Congress.

Obama, who approached the House of Representatives rostrum without greeting or shaking hands with any of the numerous political leaders in attendance, began the two-and-a-half-minute speech to the nation by muttering, “Let’s get this over with,” before reading off the bulleted list of proposals one by one.

“Well, I’ve got a bunch of stuff here that’s not getting through Congress, so here goes.”

“Well, I’ve got a bunch of stuff here that’s not getting through Congress, so here goes,” said Obama, neglecting to make eye contact with either the television cameras or anyone in the congressional chamber as he began to quickly rattle off the string of policy nonstarters. “Raising the capital gains tax rate to 28 percent, a new fee on large banks, free community college, closing the trust fund loophole, tripling the child-care tax credit.”

“The Student Digital Privacy Act, expanding broadband internet to rural areas,” he continued, speaking in an unbroken monotone and leaving no pauses between any of his proposals. “Automatic enrollment in retirement plans.”

According to onlookers, the president maintained a steady and deliberate pace throughout the speech, regularly talking over his audience’s attempts at applause as he sought to work through the inventory of unattainable legislative goals as fast as possible. In addition to staring fixedly downward at his notes for the duration of his address, Obama was seen taking each page of his speech as he completed it and placing it in a wastebasket to the left side of his lectern.

Sources confirmed that the president halted only once during the speech in order to take a breath before continuing with his rundown of soon-to-be-rejected plans.

“The Personal Data Notification and Protection Act, increased paid sick leave, and strengthening protections on net neutrality,” said Obama, who then quickly acknowledged that the state of the union was “you know, strong” while simultaneously letting out a deep sigh. “Oh, and I forgot limiting methane emissions in the natural gas sector—that won’t happen either.”

“Well, good night,” the president added before walking away from the podium to silence. “And God bless the United States of America.”

At press time, an advance copy of the Republican rebuttal to the address revealed that the party’s official response will be the word “Yup.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close