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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Well-Meaning Friends Once Again Try To Set Up Cheryl Miller With Reggie Miller

RIVERSIDE, CA—According to sources close to the former college basketball star, friends of Cheryl Miller once again attempted to set her up on a date with retired Indiana Pacer Reggie Miller on Saturday, apparently still unaware that the two are siblings. “Seriously, you guys have so much in common,” said Miller’s close friend Danielle Kaelin, stressing that the couple would “really hit it off if [Miller] would just give him a chance.” “Reggie loves basketball as much as you do. He played in college and even a few years in the NBA. I won’t lie to you Cheryl—he’s not the best looking guy out there. But he’s still in really great shape for his age, and he’s really rich, too.” At press time, a resigned Miller begrudgingly agreed to go out on a dinner date next week with her younger brother.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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