Well, Neighbors Just Got A Pit Bull

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 34

Breaking Bad

AMC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Monday, September 2

Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.

$80,000 Wedding Beautiful

The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expo...

Ben Affleck To Play Batman

The president of Warner Bros. announced yesterday that Ben Affleck will play the role of Batman in the 2015 sequel to this summer’s Man of Steel, in which Batman will join forces with Superman.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Personal Finance

Energy

Well, Neighbors Just Got A Pit Bull

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Initial reports from your back porch confirmed Sunday that, yep, the couple next door just got a pit bull. Witnesses said one of its ears appears to have been bitten off and the animal has scars all over its muzzle, indications that, wouldn’t you know it, this is probably one of those rescue dogs that was thoroughly abused by its previous owner. There it goes, sources stated, just growling and barking away. And jumping. The pit bull can reportedly jump really high, clamp its jaws down on a dangling piece of knotted rope, and just hang there, snarling. According to sources, a low hedge is all that separates the animal from your backyard, which, sure enough, is where your three small children play all the time. Oh, here we go, the reports continued, your neighbor is apparently coming over to tell you there are a lot of misconceptions about these dogs. They’re only as bad as their owners, he says. Well, at least they only got one pit—oh, nope, there’s a second one coming out of the house. How about that, sources said. Two pit bulls, and they’re really starting to go at each other, aren’t they? Witnesses later confirmed that, Christ, they’re just going to leave the two dogs untethered in the backyard while they go out for the night.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More