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Well, Neighbors Just Got A Pit Bull

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
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Well, Neighbors Just Got A Pit Bull

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Initial reports from your back porch confirmed Sunday that, yep, the couple next door just got a pit bull. Witnesses said one of its ears appears to have been bitten off and the animal has scars all over its muzzle, indications that, wouldn’t you know it, this is probably one of those rescue dogs that was thoroughly abused by its previous owner. There it goes, sources stated, just growling and barking away. And jumping. The pit bull can reportedly jump really high, clamp its jaws down on a dangling piece of knotted rope, and just hang there, snarling. According to sources, a low hedge is all that separates the animal from your backyard, which, sure enough, is where your three small children play all the time. Oh, here we go, the reports continued, your neighbor is apparently coming over to tell you there are a lot of misconceptions about these dogs. They’re only as bad as their owners, he says. Well, at least they only got one pit—oh, nope, there’s a second one coming out of the house. How about that, sources said. Two pit bulls, and they’re really starting to go at each other, aren’t they? Witnesses later confirmed that, Christ, they’re just going to leave the two dogs untethered in the backyard while they go out for the night.

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