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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Well, Neighbors Just Got A Pit Bull

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Initial reports from your back porch confirmed Sunday that, yep, the couple next door just got a pit bull. Witnesses said one of its ears appears to have been bitten off and the animal has scars all over its muzzle, indications that, wouldn’t you know it, this is probably one of those rescue dogs that was thoroughly abused by its previous owner. There it goes, sources stated, just growling and barking away. And jumping. The pit bull can reportedly jump really high, clamp its jaws down on a dangling piece of knotted rope, and just hang there, snarling. According to sources, a low hedge is all that separates the animal from your backyard, which, sure enough, is where your three small children play all the time. Oh, here we go, the reports continued, your neighbor is apparently coming over to tell you there are a lot of misconceptions about these dogs. They’re only as bad as their owners, he says. Well, at least they only got one pit—oh, nope, there’s a second one coming out of the house. How about that, sources said. Two pit bulls, and they’re really starting to go at each other, aren’t they? Witnesses later confirmed that, Christ, they’re just going to leave the two dogs untethered in the backyard while they go out for the night.

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