adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Well, Neighbors Just Got A Pit Bull

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Initial reports from your back porch confirmed Sunday that, yep, the couple next door just got a pit bull. Witnesses said one of its ears appears to have been bitten off and the animal has scars all over its muzzle, indications that, wouldn’t you know it, this is probably one of those rescue dogs that was thoroughly abused by its previous owner. There it goes, sources stated, just growling and barking away. And jumping. The pit bull can reportedly jump really high, clamp its jaws down on a dangling piece of knotted rope, and just hang there, snarling. According to sources, a low hedge is all that separates the animal from your backyard, which, sure enough, is where your three small children play all the time. Oh, here we go, the reports continued, your neighbor is apparently coming over to tell you there are a lot of misconceptions about these dogs. They’re only as bad as their owners, he says. Well, at least they only got one pit—oh, nope, there’s a second one coming out of the house. How about that, sources said. Two pit bulls, and they’re really starting to go at each other, aren’t they? Witnesses later confirmed that, Christ, they’re just going to leave the two dogs untethered in the backyard while they go out for the night.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close