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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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'Well, That Was Cool,' Say Archaeologists Before Dumping Bones Of King Richard III Back Into Hole

LEICESTER, ENGLAND—After authenticating a skeleton exhumed from a parking lot in Northern England as that of British monarch King Richard III, researchers at the University of Leicester agreed that the find was “pretty cool” before tossing the remains back into the ground and heading home. “Okay, well, that’s that—anyone want to keep one of these bones before I dump them?” said lead archaeologist Richard Buckley moments prior to dumping a bucket full of the well-preserved Plantagenet King’s remains into a hole in the ground and brushing the dirt off his hands. “Everybody good? Okay. I’m glad we did this. This was fun.” According to members of the research team, they planned on keeping a small sample of dirt from the gravesite “as a little keepsake.”

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