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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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'We're In This Together, You Guys,' Reports Newest Member Of Crunch Gym

NEW YORK—New Crunch member Harold Nguyen baffled fellow gym-goers with his unbridled zeal and mystifying belief that his enthusiasm was shared by those working out around him, sources reported Monday "All right, everybody, the only way to get better is to work harder, right?" Nguyen was heard saying as he failed to generate any camaraderie whatsoever while simultaneously embarrassing everyone in the vicinity. "Come on, guys, push!" Crunch Fitness trainers have reportedly been persistent in their efforts to remind Nguyen that he still has five days to cancel his new membership and receive a full refund.

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