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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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'We're In This Together, You Guys,' Reports Newest Member Of Crunch Gym

NEW YORK—New Crunch member Harold Nguyen baffled fellow gym-goers with his unbridled zeal and mystifying belief that his enthusiasm was shared by those working out around him, sources reported Monday "All right, everybody, the only way to get better is to work harder, right?" Nguyen was heard saying as he failed to generate any camaraderie whatsoever while simultaneously embarrassing everyone in the vicinity. "Come on, guys, push!" Crunch Fitness trainers have reportedly been persistent in their efforts to remind Nguyen that he still has five days to cancel his new membership and receive a full refund.

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