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Wes Welker

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Wes Welker

Wide Receiver, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Always willing to take one for the team that results in permanent brain trauma; Runs routes that are imperceptible to the human eye

Weaknesses: Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker; Tangibles

College: Who gives a shit

First Football: 1973 Ford Spiral

Home: Lives with wife inside spacious five-bedroom boot

Biggest Fear: Known only to Bill Belichick

Lifelong Dream: Catching an easy pass from Tom Brady while wide open during the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLVI

Vehicle: Tiny carriage pulled by six mice

NEXT: Champ Bailey

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