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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Wes Welker

Wide Receiver, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Always willing to take one for the team that results in permanent brain trauma; Runs routes that are imperceptible to the human eye

Weaknesses: Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker; Tangibles

College: Who gives a shit

First Football: 1973 Ford Spiral

Home: Lives with wife inside spacious five-bedroom boot

Biggest Fear: Known only to Bill Belichick

Lifelong Dream: Catching an easy pass from Tom Brady while wide open during the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLVI

Vehicle: Tiny carriage pulled by six mice

NEXT: Champ Bailey

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