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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Wes Welker

Wide Receiver, Denver Broncos

Strengths: Always willing to take one for the team that results in permanent brain trauma; Runs routes that are imperceptible to the human eye

Weaknesses: Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker; Tangibles

College: Who gives a shit

First Football: 1973 Ford Spiral

Home: Lives with wife inside spacious five-bedroom boot

Biggest Fear: Known only to Bill Belichick

Lifelong Dream: Catching an easy pass from Tom Brady while wide open during the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLVI

Vehicle: Tiny carriage pulled by six mice

NEXT: Champ Bailey

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