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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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West Virginia Celebrates As 32 Die In Non-Mining-Related Accident

CHARLESTON, WV—News that a fiery bus crash on Interstate 79 had killed 32 passengers was greeted with cheers and sighs of relief Friday, as West Virginia's 1.8 million residents gave thanks that their fellow citizens had perished in a catastrophe not involving a mine-shaft collapse, a mine explosion, or any other subterranean disaster. "This truly is a bright new beginning for our state," Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin said at a ceremony honoring the state's largest non-mining-related loss of life in a generation. "Today, we can all be proud to call ourselves West Virginians." A coroner's report later confirmed that 29 of the dead were miners returning home from work.

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