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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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West Virginia Celebrates As 32 Die In Non-Mining-Related Accident

CHARLESTON, WV—News that a fiery bus crash on Interstate 79 had killed 32 passengers was greeted with cheers and sighs of relief Friday, as West Virginia's 1.8 million residents gave thanks that their fellow citizens had perished in a catastrophe not involving a mine-shaft collapse, a mine explosion, or any other subterranean disaster. "This truly is a bright new beginning for our state," Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin said at a ceremony honoring the state's largest non-mining-related loss of life in a generation. "Today, we can all be proud to call ourselves West Virginians." A coroner's report later confirmed that 29 of the dead were miners returning home from work.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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