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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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West Virginia Celebrates As 32 Die In Non-Mining-Related Accident

CHARLESTON, WV—News that a fiery bus crash on Interstate 79 had killed 32 passengers was greeted with cheers and sighs of relief Friday, as West Virginia's 1.8 million residents gave thanks that their fellow citizens had perished in a catastrophe not involving a mine-shaft collapse, a mine explosion, or any other subterranean disaster. "This truly is a bright new beginning for our state," Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin said at a ceremony honoring the state's largest non-mining-related loss of life in a generation. "Today, we can all be proud to call ourselves West Virginians." A coroner's report later confirmed that 29 of the dead were miners returning home from work.

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