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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Westboro Baptist Church Not Really Sure Why They’re Picketing Allan Arbus' Funeral

LOS ANGELES—Picketing outside a cemetery in Los Angeles today, members of the Westboro Baptist Church confirmed to reporters that they actually aren’t entirely sure why they chose to protest the funeral of television actor Allan Arbus. “Wait, who is this guy again? Some sort of TV star?” said church member Jill Holland while trying to find any real reason whatsoever why the death of Arbus, a fashion-photographer-turned-actor best known for his role as Dr. Freedman in the popular sitcom M*A*S*H, was God’s way of punishing America for its moral decay and cultural decadence. “As far as I know, he wasn’t gay or bisexual, or the victim of a high-profile mass shooting or terror attack, or an American soldier killed in combat or anything like that. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’re just holding ‘God Hates Fags’ signs outside the funeral of some 95-year-old man who used to be on television for a while.” At press time, church members had overheard that Arbus was of Jewish descent and said, “Okay, well, that’s something.”

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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