adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Whale Expert Measures Everything In Elephants

SEATTLE—Marine biologist and best-selling author of A Children's Guide To Blue Whales James W. Bradley has begun using the world's largest non-marine mammal, the elephant, as his standard unit of measurement not only in his work but in daily life as well, sources close to the scientist said Monday. "From the 2.5- elephant weight of a city bus to the 12,204- elephant distance between Seattle and Tacoma, it's the only way he can visualize measurement anymore," said his wife Celia Bradley, who is not a whale expert. "We saw a rat in the street the other day and he kept going on and on about how huge it was, saying, 'That thing must've been at least .074 elephants long!'" Bradley was not available for comment, since he was reportedly closing on a three-bedroom, two-bathroom, 40-square-elephant house.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close