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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Whale Expert Measures Everything In Elephants

SEATTLE—Marine biologist and best-selling author of A Children's Guide To Blue Whales James W. Bradley has begun using the world's largest non-marine mammal, the elephant, as his standard unit of measurement not only in his work but in daily life as well, sources close to the scientist said Monday. "From the 2.5- elephant weight of a city bus to the 12,204- elephant distance between Seattle and Tacoma, it's the only way he can visualize measurement anymore," said his wife Celia Bradley, who is not a whale expert. "We saw a rat in the street the other day and he kept going on and on about how huge it was, saying, 'That thing must've been at least .074 elephants long!'" Bradley was not available for comment, since he was reportedly closing on a three-bedroom, two-bathroom, 40-square-elephant house.

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