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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Whaler Sandwich 'Not Sitting Too Good' With Area Man

ERIE, PA—According to sources inside the seating booth section, a Whaler consumed during Monday's lunch-hour rush is "not sitting too good" inside area man Don Turnbee.

Don Turnbee composes himself moments after finishing his lunchtime Whaler, a processed fish-product sandwich distributed by Burger King.

The "Whaler," a popular, processed fish-product sandwich distributed by the Burger King restaurant chain, was purchased by Turnbee at one of the fast-food giant's many convenient area locations.

"Urggh..." a visibly ill-at-ease Turnbee said, tenderly patting his distressed abdominal region. "Urrp... Whoo, boy..."

The sandwich, originally some form of aquatic life that was netted; chopped; flash-frozen into a rectanguloid; deep-fried and breaded in batter; shipped across America on trucks; and stored for several days, was finally microwaved to perfection before not sitting too good at its newest location within Turnbee.

"Man, oh man," he added. "I shouldn't have put on that extra tartar sauce."

The Whaler episode marks the 15th incident of mild gastrointestinal distress in Turnbee's recent dietary history. It comes on the heels of last weekend's media-dubbed "Pizza Roll Sunday," during which he felt slightly gassy and required several Rolaids tablets, as well as a 12-ounce of bottle of Kaopectate purchased at a late-night Conveni-Weenie Gas 'N' Snak, which Turnbee visited in an overcoat and pajamas.

Though reports indicate that Turnbee also rented a videotaped copy of The Nutsy Goofheads at this time, the rental is considered by most sources to have "little relevance" to his ongoing stomach upset difficulties.

"Oof, I'll tell ya," Turnbee told reporters.

Despite Turnbee's stomach distress, doctors say the Whaler incident is "no cause for alarm."

"This whole Whaler thing should blow over before you know it," gastroenterologist Gary Muncie said. "I've known the Turnbees for years, and if you ask me, what Don really needs is a little more exercise. Get the circulation moving, breathe a little fresh air. I'd say 15 to 20 minutes of light exercise would do wonders for him. Of course, scraping off a little of that mayo couldn't hurt, either."

Despite the optimistic medical prognosis, Turnbee is expected to experience slight discomfort well into tomorrow. Though his co-workers at Panama Bob's Office Supply Outlet Depot store are aware of Turnbee's condition, due to his repeated post-lunch exclamations of "Sheesh!" and "Whoah, nellie!" while shifting slightly in his work chair, most were not terribly concerned, feeling confident in his ability to weather the crisis.

"Don's a veteran eater," said co-worker Stan Bluford. "A couple of weeks of fried chicken, and he'll be right back on the horse."

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