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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Whaler Sandwich 'Not Sitting Too Good' With Area Man

ERIE, PA—According to sources inside the seating booth section, a Whaler consumed during Monday's lunch-hour rush is "not sitting too good" inside area man Don Turnbee.

Don Turnbee composes himself moments after finishing his lunchtime Whaler, a processed fish-product sandwich distributed by Burger King.

The "Whaler," a popular, processed fish-product sandwich distributed by the Burger King restaurant chain, was purchased by Turnbee at one of the fast-food giant's many convenient area locations.

"Urggh..." a visibly ill-at-ease Turnbee said, tenderly patting his distressed abdominal region. "Urrp... Whoo, boy..."

The sandwich, originally some form of aquatic life that was netted; chopped; flash-frozen into a rectanguloid; deep-fried and breaded in batter; shipped across America on trucks; and stored for several days, was finally microwaved to perfection before not sitting too good at its newest location within Turnbee.

"Man, oh man," he added. "I shouldn't have put on that extra tartar sauce."

The Whaler episode marks the 15th incident of mild gastrointestinal distress in Turnbee's recent dietary history. It comes on the heels of last weekend's media-dubbed "Pizza Roll Sunday," during which he felt slightly gassy and required several Rolaids tablets, as well as a 12-ounce of bottle of Kaopectate purchased at a late-night Conveni-Weenie Gas 'N' Snak, which Turnbee visited in an overcoat and pajamas.

Though reports indicate that Turnbee also rented a videotaped copy of The Nutsy Goofheads at this time, the rental is considered by most sources to have "little relevance" to his ongoing stomach upset difficulties.

"Oof, I'll tell ya," Turnbee told reporters.

Despite Turnbee's stomach distress, doctors say the Whaler incident is "no cause for alarm."

"This whole Whaler thing should blow over before you know it," gastroenterologist Gary Muncie said. "I've known the Turnbees for years, and if you ask me, what Don really needs is a little more exercise. Get the circulation moving, breathe a little fresh air. I'd say 15 to 20 minutes of light exercise would do wonders for him. Of course, scraping off a little of that mayo couldn't hurt, either."

Despite the optimistic medical prognosis, Turnbee is expected to experience slight discomfort well into tomorrow. Though his co-workers at Panama Bob's Office Supply Outlet Depot store are aware of Turnbee's condition, due to his repeated post-lunch exclamations of "Sheesh!" and "Whoah, nellie!" while shifting slightly in his work chair, most were not terribly concerned, feeling confident in his ability to weather the crisis.

"Don's a veteran eater," said co-worker Stan Bluford. "A couple of weeks of fried chicken, and he'll be right back on the horse."

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