Whaler Sandwich 'Not Sitting Too Good' With Area Man

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Whaler Sandwich 'Not Sitting Too Good' With Area Man

ERIE, PA—According to sources inside the seating booth section, a Whaler consumed during Monday's lunch-hour rush is "not sitting too good" inside area man Don Turnbee.

Don Turnbee composes himself moments after finishing his lunchtime Whaler, a processed fish-product sandwich distributed by Burger King.

The "Whaler," a popular, processed fish-product sandwich distributed by the Burger King restaurant chain, was purchased by Turnbee at one of the fast-food giant's many convenient area locations.

"Urggh..." a visibly ill-at-ease Turnbee said, tenderly patting his distressed abdominal region. "Urrp... Whoo, boy..."

The sandwich, originally some form of aquatic life that was netted; chopped; flash-frozen into a rectanguloid; deep-fried and breaded in batter; shipped across America on trucks; and stored for several days, was finally microwaved to perfection before not sitting too good at its newest location within Turnbee.

"Man, oh man," he added. "I shouldn't have put on that extra tartar sauce."

The Whaler episode marks the 15th incident of mild gastrointestinal distress in Turnbee's recent dietary history. It comes on the heels of last weekend's media-dubbed "Pizza Roll Sunday," during which he felt slightly gassy and required several Rolaids tablets, as well as a 12-ounce of bottle of Kaopectate purchased at a late-night Conveni-Weenie Gas 'N' Snak, which Turnbee visited in an overcoat and pajamas.

Though reports indicate that Turnbee also rented a videotaped copy of The Nutsy Goofheads at this time, the rental is considered by most sources to have "little relevance" to his ongoing stomach upset difficulties.

"Oof, I'll tell ya," Turnbee told reporters.

Despite Turnbee's stomach distress, doctors say the Whaler incident is "no cause for alarm."

"This whole Whaler thing should blow over before you know it," gastroenterologist Gary Muncie said. "I've known the Turnbees for years, and if you ask me, what Don really needs is a little more exercise. Get the circulation moving, breathe a little fresh air. I'd say 15 to 20 minutes of light exercise would do wonders for him. Of course, scraping off a little of that mayo couldn't hurt, either."

Despite the optimistic medical prognosis, Turnbee is expected to experience slight discomfort well into tomorrow. Though his co-workers at Panama Bob's Office Supply Outlet Depot store are aware of Turnbee's condition, due to his repeated post-lunch exclamations of "Sheesh!" and "Whoah, nellie!" while shifting slightly in his work chair, most were not terribly concerned, feeling confident in his ability to weather the crisis.

"Don's a veteran eater," said co-worker Stan Bluford. "A couple of weeks of fried chicken, and he'll be right back on the horse."


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