adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Whales Beach Selves In Attempt To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge'

LOS ANGELES—With the release of the breathtakingly comprehensive and awe-inspiring encyclopedia The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge now exactly one week away, sources near the world’s coastlines have reported seeing whales beach themselves en masse in a desperate attempt to purchase the forthcoming book. “All across the world, we’re seeing thousands of blue whales, killer whales, sperm whales, and pilot whales deliberately washing themselves ashore in order to reach a bookstore and purchase, at any cost, The Onion’s all-new and absolutely essential book,” said local marine biologist Dr. Mark Buhler, who added that many of the large aquatic mammals were also attempting to crawl toward the nearest computer to preorder the magnificent tome, which collects all of the world’s accumulated knowledge. “It seems these cetaceans are all willing to risk dehydration and even death just to catch a glimpse of this breathtaking volume of facts, illustrations, and scholarship. It’s remarkable.” At press time, eyewitnesses reported that millions of birds had also begun to fly in circles above bookstores across the nation in anticipation of the book’s Oct. 23 release date.

 

More from this section

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close