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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Whales Beach Selves In Attempt To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge'

LOS ANGELES—With the release of the breathtakingly comprehensive and awe-inspiring encyclopedia The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge now exactly one week away, sources near the world’s coastlines have reported seeing whales beach themselves en masse in a desperate attempt to purchase the forthcoming book. “All across the world, we’re seeing thousands of blue whales, killer whales, sperm whales, and pilot whales deliberately washing themselves ashore in order to reach a bookstore and purchase, at any cost, The Onion’s all-new and absolutely essential book,” said local marine biologist Dr. Mark Buhler, who added that many of the large aquatic mammals were also attempting to crawl toward the nearest computer to preorder the magnificent tome, which collects all of the world’s accumulated knowledge. “It seems these cetaceans are all willing to risk dehydration and even death just to catch a glimpse of this breathtaking volume of facts, illustrations, and scholarship. It’s remarkable.” At press time, eyewitnesses reported that millions of birds had also begun to fly in circles above bookstores across the nation in anticipation of the book’s Oct. 23 release date.

 
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