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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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What Do U-Say About Mike Brant?

Messages of support for GOP candidate Mike Brant have been flooding our inbox. Here's a small sampling:

"We don't need leaders who went to good schools or have experience in government or can name their own state's capitol. We need leaders like Mike Brant!"
--Randi M., Jacksonville, FL

"As soon as Mike Brant said he wasn't a politician and will never agree to hold any office, I knew he was right for this country."
--Rudolph K., Houston

"In 2010, I voted for a former male model for senator. Mike Brant seems like he knows even less, so I'm definitely throwing my support behind him."
--Frank A., Boston, MA

"Mike Brant isn't going to give us 'politics as usual' because he doesn't even know what that would entail."
--Tammy W., Cleveland, OH

"Mark my words, Brant is going all the way to the White House! We'll make him president even if we have to handcuff him to the desk in the Oval Office!"
--Jeannie, Aurora, CO

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