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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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‘What If No One Travels Anywhere Ever Again?’ Wonders Panicked Transportation Secretary

WASHINGTON—Wondering what would become of the nation’s airports, roadways, and harbors, Transportation Secretary Anthony Foxx reportedly became consumed with fear Tuesday that the American populace might suddenly decide not to travel anywhere ever again. “What if everyone stops commuting to work or booking vacations and just stays put for good?” said Foxx, growing visibly panicked in spite of fellow cabinet members’ assurances that cars, boats, trains, and planes were essential to American society and that modern life could not continue without them. “What if everyone collectively decides they don’t like taking trips anymore? What if people never leave the same spot? Oh, God, what would I do then?” At press time, Foxx reportedly breathed a deep sigh of relief after hearing the sound of a tractor-trailer passing by outside.

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