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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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What To Do In Case Of Fire

Knowing what to do when there is a fire can mean the difference between life and death. If your house is on fire, and you are trapped inside, you should:

Fireman


1. Look for the safe escape route, checking all doorknobs for signs of heat.

2. Call 911, or—if no phone is nearby—shout out window for help.

3. Cough violently.

4. Become engulfed in flames.

5. Collapse to floor.

6. Burn to death.

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