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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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What To Do In Case Of Fire

Knowing what to do when there is a fire can mean the difference between life and death. If your house is on fire, and you are trapped inside, you should:

Fireman


1. Look for the safe escape route, checking all doorknobs for signs of heat.

2. Call 911, or—if no phone is nearby—shout out window for help.

3. Cough violently.

4. Become engulfed in flames.

5. Collapse to floor.

6. Burn to death.

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