adBlockCheck

'What You're Doing Is Weird And Wrong,' Small Voice In Back Of Kim Jong-Un's Head Reports

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

'What You're Doing Is Weird And Wrong,' Small Voice In Back Of Kim Jong-Un's Head Reports

The tiny voice is currently telling the North Korean leader that he is acting like a psychotic person and needs to stop.
The tiny voice is currently telling the North Korean leader that he is acting like a psychotic person and needs to stop.

PYONGYANG—While performing his duties as Supreme Leader of North Korea Tuesday, Kim Jong-un reportedly heard a small voice in the back of his mind telling him that his actions over the last six months have been very strange and wrong.

Sources confirmed that the tiny voice, which spoke to Kim at various points throughout the day, quietly suggested that the four-star military general and Worker Party’s secretary is a weird person with out-of-whack priorities who acts in a way that makes little sense to anyone.

“You are a very odd man who does things that are bizarre and indicative of a mentally ill person,” the little voice reportedly said following a speech in which Kim issued apocalyptic threats to enemies in the West and predicted the destruction of America. “The things you say on a daily basis are not only extremely creepy and off-putting, but they are also very wrong. You should probably not be the leader of a country.”

“Stop that,” the voice continued as Kim issued another threat to the global community. “Stop saying these weird things. You’re making people frightened and uncomfortable.”

According to sources, the faintly perceptible voice located in the recesses of Kim’s mind continued communicating with the dictator during the presentation of a propaganda film depicting the nuclear annihilation of the United States’ Eastern Seaboard. The soft whisper told the North Korean leader that the film was not only strange-looking because it was clearly rendered from a video game, but also filled with factual inaccuracies. The voice went on to note that when Kim Jong-un endorsed the video and shared it with millions of people all over the world, it made him seem like he didn’t know what was going on and that something was deeply wrong with him psychologically.

The voice then openly asked the dictator whether any of this was registering at all.

“When you tell the world that you will turn the West into a sea of fire, do you realize that this is not a normal thing for people to say?” said the barely audible voice, adding that it is equally strange for Kim to say he was born under a double rainbow and can control the weather. “When you pose in pictures on top of horses looking off into the distance, do you see that makes you look like a psychotic individual?”

At this point, sources reported, the small voice was suddenly cut off by a second, deeper voice telling the North Korean leader that he is not only very strong and powerful, but also very likable and popular and that he should not listen to any voice that tells him otherwise.

A third voice sounding vaguely like his deceased father told Kim it was “extremely impressed and proud” with the way he was acting. That was reportedly followed by a fourth and even stronger voice informing the military commander that he is the leader of the most powerful country and military in all of the world and had better act like it.

Sources also said that, based upon the way he was slightly moving his eyes back and forth and up and down, the voices were mostly likely talking to Kim at the exact same time.

“Dear Leader, you are a great and beloved strange human being who is extremely odd and should fulfill the destiny of your ancestors,” said the cacophonous group of voices reverberating in Kim’s head. “You are the shining sun. You are a lunatic who is going to end the world. You should destroy South Korea. You look ridiculous right now. They must bow to the might of your nuclear arsenal. I love you, my son. You are an insane man whose death would benefit the entire world.”

At press time, the Dear Leader was enjoying a 12-course meal, and reportedly had an easy time shutting out the voices of 15 million starving North Koreans who were crying out in agony and despair.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close