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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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'Wheel Of Fortune' Contestants Hit Hard As Vowel Prices Skyrocket

LOS ANGELES—Contestants on the television game show Wheel Of Fortune have been hit especially hard at the podiums in recent months due to skyrocketing vowel prices, which reached a record $600 last week. "I remember a time when you could get an 'e' for $250," 46-year-old contestant Samantha Means said after a Wednesday taping. "But as Wheel contestants, we've become so dependent on vowels to solve puzzles that the producers can get away with jacking up prices because they know we'll pay them. We need a legitimate vowel alternative, but I don't think we're ready for that. I know I'm not." According to Wheel Of Fortune show runner Charlie Clark, vowel prices are not likely to come down anytime soon unless America improves its standing in the Middle East.
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