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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Wheelchair-Bound Student Would Have Preferred To Sit Out Pep Rally

ROCK SPRINGS, WY—In spite of the varsity cheerleaders' enthusiasm, Rock Springs Central High sophomore William Boelart would have actually preferred not to have participated in the school's pep rally Monday. "I appreciate the thought, but I didn't really get into being wheeled around wearing a rainbow Afro and holding up a banner that said 'Bulldogs Kick A**,'" Boelart said. "I like it better when the popular kids avoid eye contact with me." Boelart was last used in a school function Dec. 11, when he played a corpse in a production of Arsenic And Old Lace.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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