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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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‘When I’m Acquitted, I’ll Murder Those Interviewers,’ Robert Durst Mutters While Still Wearing Microphone

NEW ORLEANS—Following his arrest Saturday after he unknowingly implicated himself in the 2000 slaying of his friend Susan Berman during the taping of the television documentary The Jinx, real estate heir Robert Durst reportedly muttered his intention to murder his interviewers from the HBO special while unaware he was still wearing the live microphone they had placed on him three years ago. “The second I’m out, I’ll shoot those moviemaking pricks that put me in here, and then I’ll saw apart their bodies and hide them,” Durst said while in his holding cell, apparently still oblivious to the lavalier mic that has been clipped to his shirt since the April 2012 interview and which has recorded numerous incriminating statements he has made since, including the phrases “Of course, they’ll never find where I buried Kathie” and “Maybe I’ll murder my brother sometime soon, too.” “I’m going to kill the producers. I’m going to kill the crew. All of them are dead just as soon as this jury finds me innocent, of course.” At press time, representatives for the New York scion said he was refusing press interviews for privacy reasons.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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