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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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‘When I’m Acquitted, I’ll Murder Those Interviewers,’ Robert Durst Mutters While Still Wearing Microphone

NEW ORLEANS—Following his arrest Saturday after he unknowingly implicated himself in the 2000 slaying of his friend Susan Berman during the taping of the television documentary The Jinx, real estate heir Robert Durst reportedly muttered his intention to murder his interviewers from the HBO special while unaware he was still wearing the live microphone they had placed on him three years ago. “The second I’m out, I’ll shoot those moviemaking pricks that put me in here, and then I’ll saw apart their bodies and hide them,” Durst said while in his holding cell, apparently still oblivious to the lavalier mic that has been clipped to his shirt since the April 2012 interview and which has recorded numerous incriminating statements he has made since, including the phrases “Of course, they’ll never find where I buried Kathie” and “Maybe I’ll murder my brother sometime soon, too.” “I’m going to kill the producers. I’m going to kill the crew. All of them are dead just as soon as this jury finds me innocent, of course.” At press time, representatives for the New York scion said he was refusing press interviews for privacy reasons.

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