adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Which signs of disease have you detected in Justice Breyer?

Washington is buzzing amid rumors Justice Breyer might have an incurable disease, opening up a seat on the Supreme Court during Obama's term. Which signs of disease have you detected in Breyer?

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close