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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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While Clearing Out Desk, Dan Patrick Sobs Over Picture Of Him And Tim Kurkjian

BRISTOL, CT—Longtime ESPN anchor Dan Patrick, who recently announced that he will leave the sports network in August, broke into spasms of uncontrollable sobbing after finding an old photo of himself and baseball analyst Tim Kurkjian while clearing out his desk last Friday. "Oh my God, I remember this—this was taken right after I let Lance Armstrong off the Budweiser Hot Seat," Patrick said through tears as he displayed the back of the photograph, which read, "Me, Looking Good! With coworker—Sept. 2005." "I wonder what that guy's up to these days." After regaining his composure, Patrick noted the scene that had just taken place would probably make an excellent SportsCenter commercial.

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