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Whiny, Selfish 8-Year-Old Always Wants His Parents To Stop Yelling At Each Other

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

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Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

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Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

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Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

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Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

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45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

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Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

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Whiny, Selfish 8-Year-Old Always Wants His Parents To Stop Yelling At Each Other

The egotistical, needy, self-pitying little shit.
The egotistical, needy, self-pitying little shit.

ST. PAUL, MN—In a shockingly selfish pattern of behavior that has occurred repeatedly over the past six months, local 8-year-old and whiny brat Sean Cooper has continued his habit of interrupting his parents with his pleas for them to stop screaming at each other, sources reported Thursday.

Sean, who has an extensive history of not minding his own business, apparently cannot display the common courtesy of keeping his mouth shut as his parents, Robert and Karen Cooper, loudly discuss Robert's short temper and Karen's controlling nature at the family dinner table, or in the middle of the living room late at night when Sean is supposed to be in bed sleeping.

"I wish Mommy and Daddy would be nice to each other," the wantonly disrespectful second-grader told reporters, seemingly unaware of the total lack of gratitude he exhibits toward his parents on a nearly daily basis by constantly interjecting tearful pleas for them to stop arguing. "They used to be happy and now they fight all the time. I just want things to be how they used to be."

"I wish I could make them not fight anymore," he continued, perhaps too self-absorbed to realize that whatever his parents happen to be discussing from moment to moment is absolutely none of his concern, and that children should never, under any circumstances, try to involve themselves in the business of adults. "I hope they don't get a divorce."

According to sources, despite the fact that no one cares what his opinion is because he's only 8 years old, Sean once again subjected his parents to his rampaging ego late Wednesday night when he knocked on their bedroom door at 1 a.m. and tearfully informed them that he could hear them yelling mean things at each other through his wall.

While clutching his stuffed animal and staring morosely at his feet like some sort of sulking, grade-school prima donna, Sean then reportedly proceeded to take up another 45 seconds of his parents' valuable time explaining in needlessly long-winded detail that it made him sad when they fought, never once stopping to take note of how utterly self-indulgent he was sounding, or how his outburst might be construed as utterly inappropriate given the fact that his parents had been in the midst of a private conversation concerning their marriage.

"They told me it was very late and they were having a grown-up talk and I should go back to my room," said the child, who was quite rightly put in his place in that instance, and really should have known better than to interrupt in the first place. "Then later I heard Daddy slam their door and go downstairs to his car."

After trying to present his parents with a rather condescending and manipulative colored-pencil drawing he had made of the three of them standing outside their house with big smiles on their crudely rendered faces, Sean told reporters in a trembling voice that can only be described as immensely irritating that he didn't "know who to talk to" about the situation with his parents, as though blabbing his mouth off about the lives of others were ever a wise idea.

"Why is this happening?" whined the little shit for what felt like the 5,000th time this week, his pouty voice reaching levels of annoyance that would make even the most levelheaded adult want to pick up a chair and throw it across the room in sheer exasperation. "Is it my fault?"

"I should just run away," added Sean, positing his first sensible thought in years. "Maybe that would make everything better."

At press time, Sean was most likely feeling sorry for himself and finding a way to make everything all about him, just as he always does.

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