adBlockCheck

Local

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Whiny, Selfish 8-Year-Old Always Wants His Parents To Stop Yelling At Each Other

The egotistical, needy, self-pitying little shit.
The egotistical, needy, self-pitying little shit.

ST. PAUL, MN—In a shockingly selfish pattern of behavior that has occurred repeatedly over the past six months, local 8-year-old and whiny brat Sean Cooper has continued his habit of interrupting his parents with his pleas for them to stop screaming at each other, sources reported Thursday.

Sean, who has an extensive history of not minding his own business, apparently cannot display the common courtesy of keeping his mouth shut as his parents, Robert and Karen Cooper, loudly discuss Robert's short temper and Karen's controlling nature at the family dinner table, or in the middle of the living room late at night when Sean is supposed to be in bed sleeping.

"I wish Mommy and Daddy would be nice to each other," the wantonly disrespectful second-grader told reporters, seemingly unaware of the total lack of gratitude he exhibits toward his parents on a nearly daily basis by constantly interjecting tearful pleas for them to stop arguing. "They used to be happy and now they fight all the time. I just want things to be how they used to be."

"I wish I could make them not fight anymore," he continued, perhaps too self-absorbed to realize that whatever his parents happen to be discussing from moment to moment is absolutely none of his concern, and that children should never, under any circumstances, try to involve themselves in the business of adults. "I hope they don't get a divorce."

According to sources, despite the fact that no one cares what his opinion is because he's only 8 years old, Sean once again subjected his parents to his rampaging ego late Wednesday night when he knocked on their bedroom door at 1 a.m. and tearfully informed them that he could hear them yelling mean things at each other through his wall.

While clutching his stuffed animal and staring morosely at his feet like some sort of sulking, grade-school prima donna, Sean then reportedly proceeded to take up another 45 seconds of his parents' valuable time explaining in needlessly long-winded detail that it made him sad when they fought, never once stopping to take note of how utterly self-indulgent he was sounding, or how his outburst might be construed as utterly inappropriate given the fact that his parents had been in the midst of a private conversation concerning their marriage.

"They told me it was very late and they were having a grown-up talk and I should go back to my room," said the child, who was quite rightly put in his place in that instance, and really should have known better than to interrupt in the first place. "Then later I heard Daddy slam their door and go downstairs to his car."

After trying to present his parents with a rather condescending and manipulative colored-pencil drawing he had made of the three of them standing outside their house with big smiles on their crudely rendered faces, Sean told reporters in a trembling voice that can only be described as immensely irritating that he didn't "know who to talk to" about the situation with his parents, as though blabbing his mouth off about the lives of others were ever a wise idea.

"Why is this happening?" whined the little shit for what felt like the 5,000th time this week, his pouty voice reaching levels of annoyance that would make even the most levelheaded adult want to pick up a chair and throw it across the room in sheer exasperation. "Is it my fault?"

"I should just run away," added Sean, positing his first sensible thought in years. "Maybe that would make everything better."

At press time, Sean was most likely feeling sorry for himself and finding a way to make everything all about him, just as he always does.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close