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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Whiny, Selfish 8-Year-Old Always Wants His Parents To Stop Yelling At Each Other

The egotistical, needy, self-pitying little shit.
The egotistical, needy, self-pitying little shit.

ST. PAUL, MN—In a shockingly selfish pattern of behavior that has occurred repeatedly over the past six months, local 8-year-old and whiny brat Sean Cooper has continued his habit of interrupting his parents with his pleas for them to stop screaming at each other, sources reported Thursday.

Sean, who has an extensive history of not minding his own business, apparently cannot display the common courtesy of keeping his mouth shut as his parents, Robert and Karen Cooper, loudly discuss Robert's short temper and Karen's controlling nature at the family dinner table, or in the middle of the living room late at night when Sean is supposed to be in bed sleeping.

"I wish Mommy and Daddy would be nice to each other," the wantonly disrespectful second-grader told reporters, seemingly unaware of the total lack of gratitude he exhibits toward his parents on a nearly daily basis by constantly interjecting tearful pleas for them to stop arguing. "They used to be happy and now they fight all the time. I just want things to be how they used to be."

"I wish I could make them not fight anymore," he continued, perhaps too self-absorbed to realize that whatever his parents happen to be discussing from moment to moment is absolutely none of his concern, and that children should never, under any circumstances, try to involve themselves in the business of adults. "I hope they don't get a divorce."

According to sources, despite the fact that no one cares what his opinion is because he's only 8 years old, Sean once again subjected his parents to his rampaging ego late Wednesday night when he knocked on their bedroom door at 1 a.m. and tearfully informed them that he could hear them yelling mean things at each other through his wall.

While clutching his stuffed animal and staring morosely at his feet like some sort of sulking, grade-school prima donna, Sean then reportedly proceeded to take up another 45 seconds of his parents' valuable time explaining in needlessly long-winded detail that it made him sad when they fought, never once stopping to take note of how utterly self-indulgent he was sounding, or how his outburst might be construed as utterly inappropriate given the fact that his parents had been in the midst of a private conversation concerning their marriage.

"They told me it was very late and they were having a grown-up talk and I should go back to my room," said the child, who was quite rightly put in his place in that instance, and really should have known better than to interrupt in the first place. "Then later I heard Daddy slam their door and go downstairs to his car."

After trying to present his parents with a rather condescending and manipulative colored-pencil drawing he had made of the three of them standing outside their house with big smiles on their crudely rendered faces, Sean told reporters in a trembling voice that can only be described as immensely irritating that he didn't "know who to talk to" about the situation with his parents, as though blabbing his mouth off about the lives of others were ever a wise idea.

"Why is this happening?" whined the little shit for what felt like the 5,000th time this week, his pouty voice reaching levels of annoyance that would make even the most levelheaded adult want to pick up a chair and throw it across the room in sheer exasperation. "Is it my fault?"

"I should just run away," added Sean, positing his first sensible thought in years. "Maybe that would make everything better."

At press time, Sean was most likely feeling sorry for himself and finding a way to make everything all about him, just as he always does.

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