White Church Protected From Fire by God

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Vol 29 Issue 21

Bob Dole Stuck on Sandbar

CAIRO, IL—Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole remains stranded on a sandbar on the Mississippi River near the Illinois-Missouri border today after multiple rescue attempts over the past several days proved unsuccessful. The former Kansas senator ra...

Area Consumers Consume Area

BRIXTON, MA—Hungry to possess as many consumer goods as possible, Brixton area consumers consumed the entire Brixton area yesterday, leaving only a barren, rocky swath of dead earth in their wake.

Ask a Gut-Shot Policeman

Dear Gut-Shot Policeman, My brother recently moved in with me, claiming that he could no longer afford rent and that he didn’t want to move back in with our parents. I feel torn. Part of me wants to say that he hasn’t tried hard enough to look for work si...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

White Church Protected From Fire by God

Johnson City, AL—The Our Father of The Lord Christ in Heaven congregation was informed by God Sunday that no damage will come to its church, as it is the recipient of divine fire protection. Though every other neighborhood church has been attacked by torch-wielding vandals and burned to the ground, the all-white congregation will receive protection because, according to God, “You whites are made in my image and I shall not harm you.” Though members had long speculated their God was a white man, aged between 55-70, they were relieved to finally receive hard proof of His whiteness. “It’s not like we ever doubted it or anything,” Pastor Conrad Thamfield told reporters. “If you think about it, it just makes sense that He is white. What else would He be?”

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