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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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White Church Protected From Fire by God

Johnson City, AL—The Our Father of The Lord Christ in Heaven congregation was informed by God Sunday that no damage will come to its church, as it is the recipient of divine fire protection. Though every other neighborhood church has been attacked by torch-wielding vandals and burned to the ground, the all-white congregation will receive protection because, according to God, “You whites are made in my image and I shall not harm you.” Though members had long speculated their God was a white man, aged between 55-70, they were relieved to finally receive hard proof of His whiteness. “It’s not like we ever doubted it or anything,” Pastor Conrad Thamfield told reporters. “If you think about it, it just makes sense that He is white. What else would He be?”

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