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White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
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White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a need for heightened national security measures, President Bush had eight inches added to the 12-foot fence that surrounds his residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. "The president has always been a staunch advocate of domestic security, and this brave decision says to any potential burglar that if you want to get into his house, you are going to have an extra eight inches of fence to contend with," said White House press secretary Tony Snow at a news briefing Monday, adding that the president will also leave the television and the lights on every time he and the first lady go out. "In addition, the president got another guard dog, and, from now on, the garage doors will always be closed." While Snow denied rumors that the Bushes were considering moving to a safer nearby suburb, he confirmed that the new "This White House Protected By A Homeland Security System" sign on the front lawn is indeed just a clever deterrent.

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