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White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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White House Adds Eight Inches To White House Fence

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a need for heightened national security measures, President Bush had eight inches added to the 12-foot fence that surrounds his residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. "The president has always been a staunch advocate of domestic security, and this brave decision says to any potential burglar that if you want to get into his house, you are going to have an extra eight inches of fence to contend with," said White House press secretary Tony Snow at a news briefing Monday, adding that the president will also leave the television and the lights on every time he and the first lady go out. "In addition, the president got another guard dog, and, from now on, the garage doors will always be closed." While Snow denied rumors that the Bushes were considering moving to a safer nearby suburb, he confirmed that the new "This White House Protected By A Homeland Security System" sign on the front lawn is indeed just a clever deterrent.

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