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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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White House Announces Sasha Obama To Now Be Played By Britney Watkins

WASHINGTON—In a move that has caused a nationwide stir among the first daughter’s extensive fan base, White House officials announced at a press briefing Thursday that starting next week, Sasha Obama will be played by up-and-coming actress Britney Watkins. “When my agent called yesterday and told me ‘You got Sasha,’ I couldn’t believe it,” said Watkins, the 12-year-old replacing identical twin actresses Ashley and Jamie Richards, who have played the role to mostly positive reviews since 2011. “I’m really excited about the opportunity to take Sasha in a new direction. The nation should expect her to become a little moodier as she enters her teenage years. She might even be getting into a little more trouble than what people are used to seeing.” Sources confirmed Watkins has already visited the White House wardrobe department and been outfitted with lace-up platform boots, a black velvet cloak, and additional goth attire.

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