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Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.
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White House Announces Sasha Obama To Now Be Played By Britney Watkins

WASHINGTON—In a move that has caused a nationwide stir among the first daughter’s extensive fan base, White House officials announced at a press briefing Thursday that starting next week, Sasha Obama will be played by up-and-coming actress Britney Watkins. “When my agent called yesterday and told me ‘You got Sasha,’ I couldn’t believe it,” said Watkins, the 12-year-old replacing identical twin actresses Ashley and Jamie Richards, who have played the role to mostly positive reviews since 2011. “I’m really excited about the opportunity to take Sasha in a new direction. The nation should expect her to become a little moodier as she enters her teenage years. She might even be getting into a little more trouble than what people are used to seeing.” Sources confirmed Watkins has already visited the White House wardrobe department and been outfitted with lace-up platform boots, a black velvet cloak, and additional goth attire.

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