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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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White House Announces Sasha Obama To Now Be Played By Britney Watkins

WASHINGTON—In a move that has caused a nationwide stir among the first daughter’s extensive fan base, White House officials announced at a press briefing Thursday that starting next week, Sasha Obama will be played by up-and-coming actress Britney Watkins. “When my agent called yesterday and told me ‘You got Sasha,’ I couldn’t believe it,” said Watkins, the 12-year-old replacing identical twin actresses Ashley and Jamie Richards, who have played the role to mostly positive reviews since 2011. “I’m really excited about the opportunity to take Sasha in a new direction. The nation should expect her to become a little moodier as she enters her teenage years. She might even be getting into a little more trouble than what people are used to seeing.” Sources confirmed Watkins has already visited the White House wardrobe department and been outfitted with lace-up platform boots, a black velvet cloak, and additional goth attire.

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