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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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White House Carefully Screening Any Gun Control Town Hall Questions That Address Obama As ‘Mein Führer’

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure a constructive discussion for tonight’s town hall on gun control, White House Communications Director Jen Psaki told reporters Thursday that officials are carefully screening any audience questions that refer to President Obama as “Mein Führer.” “While we try to include as many different questions as we can regarding the various elements of the gun control debate, any inquiry that specifically addresses the president as ‘Mein Führer’ will be immediately discarded,” said Psaki, adding that the vetting process also involved promptly removing submissions that contain various iterations of “tyrant,” “the Kenyan,” and “Dictator Obama.” “It’s quite challenging to catch all of them since there are so many questions, and most are written in all capital letters, with multiple exclamation points instead of question marks. We received an excellent query about state versus federal background check protocols, but it began with a reference to Sharia law, so it was instantly rejected.” Psaki told reporters, however, that in order to fill out the hour-long forum, the White House would have to let one question about false flag attacks slide.

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