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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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White House Carefully Screening Any Gun Control Town Hall Questions That Address Obama As ‘Mein Führer’

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure a constructive discussion for tonight’s town hall on gun control, White House Communications Director Jen Psaki told reporters Thursday that officials are carefully screening any audience questions that refer to President Obama as “Mein Führer.” “While we try to include as many different questions as we can regarding the various elements of the gun control debate, any inquiry that specifically addresses the president as ‘Mein Führer’ will be immediately discarded,” said Psaki, adding that the vetting process also involved promptly removing submissions that contain various iterations of “tyrant,” “the Kenyan,” and “Dictator Obama.” “It’s quite challenging to catch all of them since there are so many questions, and most are written in all capital letters, with multiple exclamation points instead of question marks. We received an excellent query about state versus federal background check protocols, but it began with a reference to Sharia law, so it was instantly rejected.” Psaki told reporters, however, that in order to fill out the hour-long forum, the White House would have to let one question about false flag attacks slide.

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