WASHINGTON, DC—The White House was closed Monday to allow for a two-week, $30 million restoration and refurbishment of the 76-year-old Warren G. Harding Memorial Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite.
"The time has come for the White House's sexual wish-fulfillment facilities to enter the 21st century," White House press secretary Mike McCurry said of the improvements to the historic pleasure room, built by the Harding Administration in 1921 at a then-unheard-of cost of $173,000. "We must make these changes if we are to continue to meet the sexual demands of the nation's president and his advisors, and to fulfill the lurid fantasies and carnal desires of high-ranking foreign dignitaries who visit the United States."
As part of the $30 million plan, the room's outdated hot-pink shag-carpet wall covering and heart-shaped bed will be removed. Also slated for removal are the dilapidated vibrating love-harness, ceiling-mounted butterfly fuck swing, and spring-loaded dildo-attachment bench and pony saddle, which dates back to the Coolidge Administration.
Installed in their place will be a state-of-the-art open-sided shower and tilted whirlpool; a high-tech wireless digital camcorder and playback system; hyper-realistic artificial love dolls with functional oral, vaginal and anal orifices; rotating, neon-lighted cocaine mirrors; a 10-sided bed with extra-secure restraining straps; amyl-nitrate facemasks; and a total-immersion virtual-reality helmet.
Due to the large number of people who have learned the secret location of the Harding sex suite over the years, its sliding panel and rotating bookcase entry-way will also be revamped. Though designers could not, for obvious reasons, reveal much about the new passageway to the hidden sex-chamber, White House building supervisor Karl Hamburg did say that it would involve "pulling a hidden lever and sliding down a pole."
The Warren G. Harding Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite has not been renovated since 1975, when President Ford installed red-white-and-blue marbleized mirrored tiling from floor to ceiling for the '76 Bicentennial. It has been used by every president since Harding as a discrete, zero-consequence environment for sexual abandon, with the possible exception of Jimmy Carter, whom many believe was never told of its existence.
Prior to the current change, the room underwent its most expensive overhaul in 1967, when President Lyndon Johnson temporarily converted it into an Apollo VII "Space Odyssey" fantasy suite, complete with an oversized "moon crater" hot tub and zero-gravity bed, at an estimated cost of $7.5 million.
Though some have called the $30 million price tag for the current renovations excessive, many Washington power players are defending the decision to allocate funding.
"I've had the pleasure of utilizing the facility several times during visits to the White House," U.S. Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) said. "But as great a place as it is, you get two or three blondes in a room that size and you're scrambling for elbow room. Then, once everybody starts really going at it, the place fills up with body heat so fast it can be hard to catch your breath."
"These expenditures, however costly, are certainly justified," said former Secretary of State George Shultz, a frequent visitor to the room between 1982 and 1988. "Some things you can't put a price tag on."
Among the more notable foreign leaders who have enjoyed the suite over the years: Paul von Hindenburg, Neville Chamberlain, Nikita Khrushchev, and, in a rare Arab-Israeli orgy, Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat, who in 1979 celebrated the successful conclusion of peace talks at Camp David by holding a four-way with a pair of D.C.-area strippers.