White House Closed For $30 Million Renovation Of Warren G. Harding Presidential Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite

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Vol 32 Issue 09

Shannon Tweed Named Head Of U.S. Task Force On Nudity & Aging

WASHINGTON, DC—Former Playboy playmate and veteran erotic straight-to-video actress Shannon Tweed was chosen by President Clinton Monday to head the newly created U.S. Task Force on Nudity & Aging. Calling Tweed the "grand old dame of the softcore, R-rated, made-for-cable film industry," Clinton said the oft-topless actress was "ideal for the position, bringing with her more than 20 years of nudity-related experience." The task force will examine the effects of aging on nudity-based careers and help develop new strategies for approaching both toplessness and full-frontal nudity for actresses over 40. Tweed will assume her new role later this month, following the completion of her latest film, Bare Evidence, which co-stars William Katt as a cop who goes undercover to find a killer who's stalking the strip joints of a major metropolitan city. The film will be available in both R-rated and unrated formats in video stores this fall.

Area Man Thanked For Playing

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Area resident Jeff Neary was warmly thanked by the Coca-Cola Corporation Monday for his participation in their "Coca-Cola Red Hot Summer Game." "Thanks for playing—try again," gushed the red plastic cap from a 20-ounce bottle of Coke purchased by Neary during his lunch hour. "That was very nice of Coca-Cola," Neary said. "I appreciated that, even though I didn't win, the beverage giant took the time to encourage me to try again." Neary has previously been thanked for shopping at Waldenbooks and flying United Airlines.

Monster Undeterred By Night-Light

MILTON, MA—A terrifying monster broke into a local boy's room Sunday night, brutally murdering and devouring the child despite the presence of a protective Mighty Morphin Power Rangers night-light. A forensics report revealed that the unidentified beast spent several minutes violently shaking Barry Dawes, 6, terrifying him to make him tastier through the release of adrenaline. He then tore off and ate the boy's limbs first, enjoying his screams until the very end. The light's manufacturer promised a full inquiry into the apparent failure of the product.

Transplanted New Yorker Disappointed With Local Bagel Scene

PORTLAND, OR—Greg Fox, a lifelong Brooklyn, NY, resident who recently moved to Portland, announced his great disappointment in the local bagel scene Monday. "There's no good bagels in this town," Fox said. "They're like bakery rolls with holes in the middle. And the selection's terrible, too: I went to five different bagel places this morning, and not one of them had pumpernickel." Fox said the only place to get real bagels is at B&B Bagels on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn.

Thousands Dead In Indonesia Again

JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Monday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands of Indonesians yet again. "I had a feeling we were due for another mass death," said Ende Palopo of Jakarta. "There hadn't been a disaster since Friday, when that train derailed, killing 513. And it had been well over a week since we last had an earthquake, typhoon or some other natural disaster that killed over 1,000." A public memorial service for the dead was held Tuesday, during which an unexpectedly large turnout caused hundreds to be trampled to death.

There Is So Much Controversy These Days

Have you read about all the controversy? I can barely keep my head on straight, what with all the controversy in this country nowadays. I mean, how are we supposed to live our lives when so many critical issues hang in the balance? Just thinking about the new season of Ellen sends my heart rate up to 100. Will she find a girlfriend? Will they kiss on the air? Will advertisers pull out?

The Return Of Thalidomide

Thalidomide, banned for over three decades for causing birth defects in thousands of children whose mothers took it during pregnancy, has been reapproved by the FDA for the treatment of leprosy. What do you think?

I Went To See The Movie That Was Called The Up & Down Movie

Ah, the movies. Nothing is better than to go see the movies in the theater at the Bijou and buy a tasty popcorn treat and a soda water and a box of watercress sandwiches and a tin of chewing tobacco and all the candy you can eat for a nickel. Gone are the days when a man could relax and enjoy a lovely pig roast while taking in the latest feature at the Bijou movie theater where they show the movie pictures that you can see if you pay money to see them.

Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

Eddie McCarthy is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350 newspapers nationwide.
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White House Closed For $30 Million Renovation Of Warren G. Harding Presidential Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite

WASHINGTON, DC—The White House was closed Monday to allow for a two-week, $30 million restoration and refurbishment of the 76-year-old Warren G. Harding Memorial Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite.

The current state of the Warren G. Harding Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite, last upgraded by the Ford Administration in 1975.

"The time has come for the White House's sexual wish-fulfillment facilities to enter the 21st century," White House press secretary Mike McCurry said of the improvements to the historic pleasure room, built by the Harding Administration in 1921 at a then-unheard-of cost of $173,000. "We must make these changes if we are to continue to meet the sexual demands of the nation's president and his advisors, and to fulfill the lurid fantasies and carnal desires of high-ranking foreign dignitaries who visit the United States."

As part of the $30 million plan, the room's outdated hot-pink shag-carpet wall covering and heart-shaped bed will be removed. Also slated for removal are the dilapidated vibrating love-harness, ceiling-mounted butterfly fuck swing, and spring-loaded dildo-attachment bench and pony saddle, which dates back to the Coolidge Administration.

Installed in their place will be a state-of-the-art open-sided shower and tilted whirlpool; a high-tech wireless digital camcorder and playback system; hyper-realistic artificial love dolls with functional oral, vaginal and anal orifices; rotating, neon-lighted cocaine mirrors; a 10-sided bed with extra-secure restraining straps; amyl-nitrate facemasks; and a total-immersion virtual-reality helmet.

Due to the large number of people who have learned the secret location of the Harding sex suite over the years, its sliding panel and rotating bookcase entry-way will also be revamped. Though designers could not, for obvious reasons, reveal much about the new passageway to the hidden sex-chamber, White House building supervisor Karl Hamburg did say that it would involve "pulling a hidden lever and sliding down a pole."

The Harding pleasure suite's bathtub, where George and Barbara Bush frequently made love during his term as president.

The Warren G. Harding Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite has not been renovated since 1975, when President Ford installed red-white-and-blue marbleized mirrored tiling from floor to ceiling for the '76 Bicentennial. It has been used by every president since Harding as a discrete, zero-consequence environment for sexual abandon, with the possible exception of Jimmy Carter, whom many believe was never told of its existence.

Prior to the current change, the room underwent its most expensive overhaul in 1967, when President Lyndon Johnson temporarily converted it into an Apollo VII "Space Odyssey" fantasy suite, complete with an oversized "moon crater" hot tub and zero-gravity bed, at an estimated cost of $7.5 million.

Though some have called the $30 million price tag for the current renovations excessive, many Washington power players are defending the decision to allocate funding.

"I've had the pleasure of utilizing the facility several times during visits to the White House," U.S. Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) said. "But as great a place as it is, you get two or three blondes in a room that size and you're scrambling for elbow room. Then, once everybody starts really going at it, the place fills up with body heat so fast it can be hard to catch your breath."

"These expenditures, however costly, are certainly justified," said former Secretary of State George Shultz, a frequent visitor to the room between 1982 and 1988. "Some things you can't put a price tag on."

Among the more notable foreign leaders who have enjoyed the suite over the years: Paul von Hindenburg, Neville Chamberlain, Nikita Khrushchev, and, in a rare Arab-Israeli orgy, Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat, who in 1979 celebrated the successful conclusion of peace talks at Camp David by holding a four-way with a pair of D.C.-area strippers.

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