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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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White House Increases Security After Man Shows Up At Oval Office Looking For Obama

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Secret Service announced Wednesday that the White House has upgraded its security procedures following a recent incident in which Donald Glazer, a 51-year-old man who had no prior appointment scheduled, showed up unannounced at the Oval Office looking for President Barack Obama. “Mr. Glazer waited by himself for 45 minutes, milling about the empty Oval Office and idly thumbing through the materials left out on President Obama’s desk while waiting for the commander-in-chief to return,” said Secret Service Director Julia Pierson, adding that while Glazer wasn’t threatening or armed, he should not have been able to enter the White House through a staff access door, walk through the Rose Garden, enter the West Wing, say “I’m here to see Barack Obama,” and be let into the Oval Office. “From now on, we will be maintaining a visitor log that all White House guests will be required to sign before being permitted on the premises, as well as installing metal detectors at several key entry points. Additionally—and this is of the utmost importance—we must make an effort to keep all doors and gates to the White House locked at all times. No exceptions.” Sources later told reporters that Glazer wanted to talk to Obama about getting E-ZPass booths installed along Nebraska toll roads.

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