White House Infested With Bedbugs After Biden Brings In Recliner Off The Curb

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Vol 46 Issue 05

Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500

NEW YORK—Although you are more interested in the pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in a few days, or even the upcoming Winter Olympics, a significant chunk of society that you are aware of but would rather have nothing to do with is very much looking forward to the Daytona 500, NASCAR's season-opening race.

Phil Mickelson

Due to the vagaries of current events, Phil Mickelson is currently the best golfer on the PGA tour. Is he any good?

Top Recruit Tricked Into Committing To Notre Dame

ST. PAUL, MN—One of the most sought-after high school recruits of the year, Sean Harrisson, a 270-pound, 6-foot-2 linebacker, unwittingly signed with Notre Dame after Fighting Irish coach Brian Kelly played a series of mind tricks on the senior.
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White House Infested With Bedbugs After Biden Brings In Recliner Off The Curb

WASHINGTON—The White House suffered a severe bedbug infestation last week after Vice President Joe Biden reportedly "scored" a discarded recliner chair that "someone was just throwing out" on the corner of Windom Road and 32nd Street. "It's plenty comfy, and I'll tell ya, they don't make 'em with levers like this anymore," said Biden, scratching at a series of red welts on his arms as he pointed out the pocket on the side that could hold both a remote control and a Coors tallboy. "It reclines all the way back. All the way. And you wanna know what else? It holds two people, if you know what I mean." Meanwhile, Senegal officials reported that their nation has been plagued by an outbreak of bedbugs since its president returned from a short stay in the Lincoln Bedroom.

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