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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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White To Attend Boat Show

BALTIMORE—A white is expected to attend the 11th Annual World Boating Expo here next week. "I'll be looking at some of the speedboats," the white said, "but I don't think I can afford one this year." The white, Jerry Strickler, 51, a Baltimore-area orthodontist, is slated to arrive at the boat show some time early Saturday and depart later in the day. It is believed he will wear slacks and a tie. "I'm excited to have this white come to the show," said Bob Elderbrecht, a boat show organizer. "It will be easy to spot him, since he is a white."

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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