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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
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White To Attend Boat Show

BALTIMORE—A white is expected to attend the 11th Annual World Boating Expo here next week. "I'll be looking at some of the speedboats," the white said, "but I don't think I can afford one this year." The white, Jerry Strickler, 51, a Baltimore-area orthodontist, is slated to arrive at the boat show some time early Saturday and depart later in the day. It is believed he will wear slacks and a tie. "I'm excited to have this white come to the show," said Bob Elderbrecht, a boat show organizer. "It will be easy to spot him, since he is a white."

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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

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