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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Whitewater Rafting Trip In Which Friend Drowned Still Pretty Fun

GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO—With the sole exception of the death of a close friend, a recent whitewater rafting excursion was deemed a rousing success by the group’s five surviving members, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Except for Daryl falling out and drowning, this trip was a total blast,” said Justin Purley at the conclusion of an exhilarating day of paddling through canyons, navigating Class IV rapids, recovering their friend’s body from the river, and taking photographs of the scenic landscape. “That moment when he bounced out of the raft and smashed his head on the rocks was just about the only time the smile left my face the whole trip. Plus, we saw that eagle!” Purley added that the group would always remember Daryl, as well as the cool old arrowhead they found on the riverbank.

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