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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Whitewater Rafting Trip In Which Friend Drowned Still Pretty Fun

GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO—With the sole exception of the death of a close friend, a recent whitewater rafting excursion was deemed a rousing success by the group’s five surviving members, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Except for Daryl falling out and drowning, this trip was a total blast,” said Justin Purley at the conclusion of an exhilarating day of paddling through canyons, navigating Class IV rapids, recovering their friend’s body from the river, and taking photographs of the scenic landscape. “That moment when he bounced out of the raft and smashed his head on the rocks was just about the only time the smile left my face the whole trip. Plus, we saw that eagle!” Purley added that the group would always remember Daryl, as well as the cool old arrowhead they found on the riverbank.

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