adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard

BOSTON—One week into the criminal trial of alleged mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, reports surfaced Monday that the accused organized crime kingpin ordered the murders of 19 separate people, according to anonymous testimony from a cheese-eating rat bastard who’s about to get what’s coming to him in a big way. “Though he has so far evaded jail time for his numerous criminal acts, I can confirm that Mr. Bulger personally ordered and in some cases himself carried out the killings of 19 individuals,” said the man who just signed his own death warrant, and who sources very, very close to the situation confirmed better not be thinking about showing his face in Dorchester ever again unless it’s in a fucking casket. “While I am aware that my deposition may draw the unwanted attentions of Mr. Bulger and his associates, I believe that this man must atone for his actions.” At press time, sources have confirmed that the gutless snitch’s testimony could pose an immediate risk to his, shall we say, livelihood, given Mr. Bulger’s numerous underworld connections, all of whom are reportedly going to find him no matter how far he runs or how much protection the feds say they’re gonna give him. Recent reports have concluded definitively that Whitey’s got friends all over the world, too, so it don’t matter if this tale-telling bastard is hiding in Brockton or Timbuktu; they’ll sniff his ass out. That’s right, rat. And maybe some of those friends might be sending some guys to tune you up right now. You reading this, you dirty, squeaking rat fuck? If you are, you might want to send a copy of this article to your 9-year-old daughter at sleepaway camp over in Sudbury. We got your attention now, you cocksucking fink? Should have thought about that before you decided to try and fuck Whitey. You don’t fuck Whitey, sources concluded. Whitey fucks you.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close