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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard

BOSTON—One week into the criminal trial of alleged mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, reports surfaced Monday that the accused organized crime kingpin ordered the murders of 19 separate people, according to anonymous testimony from a cheese-eating rat bastard who’s about to get what’s coming to him in a big way. “Though he has so far evaded jail time for his numerous criminal acts, I can confirm that Mr. Bulger personally ordered and in some cases himself carried out the killings of 19 individuals,” said the man who just signed his own death warrant, and who sources very, very close to the situation confirmed better not be thinking about showing his face in Dorchester ever again unless it’s in a fucking casket. “While I am aware that my deposition may draw the unwanted attentions of Mr. Bulger and his associates, I believe that this man must atone for his actions.” At press time, sources have confirmed that the gutless snitch’s testimony could pose an immediate risk to his, shall we say, livelihood, given Mr. Bulger’s numerous underworld connections, all of whom are reportedly going to find him no matter how far he runs or how much protection the feds say they’re gonna give him. Recent reports have concluded definitively that Whitey’s got friends all over the world, too, so it don’t matter if this tale-telling bastard is hiding in Brockton or Timbuktu; they’ll sniff his ass out. That’s right, rat. And maybe some of those friends might be sending some guys to tune you up right now. You reading this, you dirty, squeaking rat fuck? If you are, you might want to send a copy of this article to your 9-year-old daughter at sleepaway camp over in Sudbury. We got your attention now, you cocksucking fink? Should have thought about that before you decided to try and fuck Whitey. You don’t fuck Whitey, sources concluded. Whitey fucks you.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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