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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Whitey Bulger Verdict Interrupted By Ben Affleck Shouting Commands From Director’s Chair In Balcony

BOSTON—As the federal jury in the racketeering trial against James “Whitey” Bulger handed down its verdict Monday, famed actor and filmmaker Ben Affleck interrupted the proceedings by shouting out commands from a director’s chair in the balcony, courtroom sources reported. “Cut! Okay, that was good, but let’s run it again—Whitey, do you think you could give us a tiny little smirk after the foreman says guilty?” said The Town and Gone Baby Gone director, aiming a megaphone at the aging South Boston crime lord convicted on numerous counts of conspiracy, money laundering, and extortion, as well as 11 murder charges. “You’re doing great, but you came off just a little too remorseful that time. Maintain eye contact with the jurors like you’re really trying to intimidate them. Also, Bryan, we’re going to need a little more backlight on the judge. Let’s take it again.” Affleck later confirmed that Whitey will hit theaters in time for awards season.

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