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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Whitey Bulger Verdict Interrupted By Ben Affleck Shouting Commands From Director’s Chair In Balcony

BOSTON—As the federal jury in the racketeering trial against James “Whitey” Bulger handed down its verdict Monday, famed actor and filmmaker Ben Affleck interrupted the proceedings by shouting out commands from a director’s chair in the balcony, courtroom sources reported. “Cut! Okay, that was good, but let’s run it again—Whitey, do you think you could give us a tiny little smirk after the foreman says guilty?” said The Town and Gone Baby Gone director, aiming a megaphone at the aging South Boston crime lord convicted on numerous counts of conspiracy, money laundering, and extortion, as well as 11 murder charges. “You’re doing great, but you came off just a little too remorseful that time. Maintain eye contact with the jurors like you’re really trying to intimidate them. Also, Bryan, we’re going to need a little more backlight on the judge. Let’s take it again.” Affleck later confirmed that Whitey will hit theaters in time for awards season.

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