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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Whitey Bulger Verdict Interrupted By Ben Affleck Shouting Commands From Director’s Chair In Balcony

BOSTON—As the federal jury in the racketeering trial against James “Whitey” Bulger handed down its verdict Monday, famed actor and filmmaker Ben Affleck interrupted the proceedings by shouting out commands from a director’s chair in the balcony, courtroom sources reported. “Cut! Okay, that was good, but let’s run it again—Whitey, do you think you could give us a tiny little smirk after the foreman says guilty?” said The Town and Gone Baby Gone director, aiming a megaphone at the aging South Boston crime lord convicted on numerous counts of conspiracy, money laundering, and extortion, as well as 11 murder charges. “You’re doing great, but you came off just a little too remorseful that time. Maintain eye contact with the jurors like you’re really trying to intimidate them. Also, Bryan, we’re going to need a little more backlight on the judge. Let’s take it again.” Affleck later confirmed that Whitey will hit theaters in time for awards season.

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