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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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WHO Pushes For More 'Ouchless' Adhesive Funding

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid mounting evidence of White House ties to Enron, President Bush attempted to distance himself from yet another failing Texas energy company Monday. "I have had no business dealings with this particular company," Bush said. "Why would anyone associate me with a Houston-based energy giant that's mismanaged itself into the ground?" Bush added that his oil company was already almost bankrupt when he took it over, and that it was not his decision to trade away Sammy Sosa.

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