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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Wide-Eyed Minor Leaguer Never Thought He’d One Day Be Playing In NBT Bank Stadium

SYRACUSE, NY—Days after stepping foot onto the minor league baseball diamond for the first time, recently called up Syracuse Chiefs catcher Kris Watts told reporters Wednesday that he never in his wildest dreams thought he would one day have the chance to play in the “legendary” NBT Bank Stadium. “As a kid, you always fantasize about someday playing at the ’T, but to see it actually happen—it’s just incredible,” said the wide-eyed AAA backstop, adding that he still can’t believe he gets to run the bases on the same “hallowed ground” where Syracuse legend Corey Brown once hit a grand slam off Ryan Feierabend in front of 11,000 screaming Chiefs fans. “I mean, I leave my house every day and drive right up to 1 Tex Simone Drive like it’s the most normal thing on earth. And then I walk out of the dugout to play catch with guys like Yunesky Maya and Mark Lowe. It’s just crazy to think about.” Watts added that he still hadn’t quite wrapped his head around the fact that he now plays under iconic Chiefs manager and former Pittsburgh Pirates third-base coach Tony Beasley.

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