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Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly

SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Nearly one year after a car accident claimed the life of wife Sarah, Lloyd Monreal still misses having sex with her "more than I can say," the 44-year-old reported Tuesday. "Even now, every room in the house reminds me of the times we had sex in it," Monreal said, fighting back tears. "I don't care if 40 years go by. I'll never forget her breasts, her ass, those thighs." In honor of the anniversary, Monreal will eat a quiet dinner at home, after which he will take out a box of old photographs and perform a one-hour masturbation vigil by candlelight.

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