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Wife Already Knows The One Thing She’ll Say That Can Never Be Taken Back

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Wife Already Knows The One Thing She’ll Say That Can Never Be Taken Back

OCALA, FL—Acknowledging that she has the ability to forever change the dynamic of her marriage with only a few simple words, area wife Sarah Causley told reporters Tuesday that she already knows the single comment she will never be able to take back once spoken. “There are a lot of things I could say that would be hurtful, but this one’s different—if I ever said it out loud, there’s no amount of apologizing that could make things right again,” said Causley, who confirmed that she hopes she never has to use the remark, but stated that if she did, there would be absolutely no going back to the life that she and her spouse have shared for the past 18 months, from their day-to-day intimacy to their long-term plans and goals. “The thing is, it’s always sitting right there in the back of my head whenever we’re arguing, and would be really easy to pull out if I had to. I know the exact wording too.” Causley’s husband later informed reporters that he already knows the one thing his wife most needs to hear that he will never be able to bring himself to say.

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