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Wife Already Knows The One Thing She’ll Say That Can Never Be Taken Back

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
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Wife Already Knows The One Thing She’ll Say That Can Never Be Taken Back

OCALA, FL—Acknowledging that she has the ability to forever change the dynamic of her marriage with only a few simple words, area wife Sarah Causley told reporters Tuesday that she already knows the single comment she will never be able to take back once spoken. “There are a lot of things I could say that would be hurtful, but this one’s different—if I ever said it out loud, there’s no amount of apologizing that could make things right again,” said Causley, who confirmed that she hopes she never has to use the remark, but stated that if she did, there would be absolutely no going back to the life that she and her spouse have shared for the past 18 months, from their day-to-day intimacy to their long-term plans and goals. “The thing is, it’s always sitting right there in the back of my head whenever we’re arguing, and would be really easy to pull out if I had to. I know the exact wording too.” Causley’s husband later informed reporters that he already knows the one thing his wife most needs to hear that he will never be able to bring himself to say.

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