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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Wife Already Knows The One Thing She’ll Say That Can Never Be Taken Back

OCALA, FL—Acknowledging that she has the ability to forever change the dynamic of her marriage with only a few simple words, area wife Sarah Causley told reporters Tuesday that she already knows the single comment she will never be able to take back once spoken. “There are a lot of things I could say that would be hurtful, but this one’s different—if I ever said it out loud, there’s no amount of apologizing that could make things right again,” said Causley, who confirmed that she hopes she never has to use the remark, but stated that if she did, there would be absolutely no going back to the life that she and her spouse have shared for the past 18 months, from their day-to-day intimacy to their long-term plans and goals. “The thing is, it’s always sitting right there in the back of my head whenever we’re arguing, and would be really easy to pull out if I had to. I know the exact wording too.” Causley’s husband later informed reporters that he already knows the one thing his wife most needs to hear that he will never be able to bring himself to say.

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