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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Wife Always Dragging Husband Into Her Marital Problems

HOUSTON—Banker Robert "Rob Boy" Grelman expressed annoyance with his wife Janet Monday, saying she consistently involves him in her marital problems. "Every day, it's, 'Oh God, I'm married to someone who doesn't understand me,' or, 'Bob, do you think you could pick up after yourself?'" Grelman said. "Don't get me wrong—I have marriage problems of my own—but I don't know what she wants me to do about hers." Grelman added that his children, following their mother's example, have lately attempted to drag him into their family problems.

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