Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband. “Now that I’m getting into my late 30s, if there was ever a time to get serious about having a second husband, it’s now,” said Roderick, who has recently been catching herself looking wistfully at other people’s husbands and remembering how happy she was the moment she saw hers for the very first time. “I have friends who are onto their second, sometimes even their third, and it’s just something I see myself wanting more and more.” Roderick added that while she was hoping for a second husband, she would be equally thrilled if she ended up with a girl.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.